Call Me Momma Green

It has been difficult seeing Connors friends live their lives since he passed away. I see them getting married, having children, graduating college, and moving on with their lives.

These are the times my heart aches and I miss him terribly. I imagine him bringing home the woman of his dreams to introduce as his future wife. They would get married and have children. He would make me a grandmother. I know he would have been a good father because he loved kids. He had a lifetime ahead of him, a career, hobbies, and his dog Mac. There is a piece of me that died with him. The hopes and dreams or all gone.

That is why it is so painful to see his friends moving on with their lives. They get to live out their dreams. I sometimes feel cheated.

To be honest , it creates a yearning and desire for my son. Logically, I know the expectations I have for his future are gone. Emotionally, it is sometimes difficult to accept. They are two divergent lines. It is at the intersection of these two lines that I find peace. I have the power to make them intersect and become one.

I know the pain is inevitable, but my suffering is optional. I can focus on living or slowly dying inside. Dying inside is to lose hope of life getting better , to lose expectations of joy , or have lack of compassion love and understanding for myself. Some days I only have to make the decision not to suffer just once per day. Other days I make the choice to not give up hour by hour or even minute by minute. I choose to keep on living. I choose to live for myself. I choose to live with purpose. I choose to go on to honor my son.