Facing Your Fears in Grief

I often get asked how I manage to be happy and joyful after losing two children. So many people shudder at the thought of losing one let alone two children. I hear all the time “I cannot imagine”, “I have lost one and could not go through it a second time”, “You are so courageous to step out and help others”, “You inspire me”, and finally, “How do you do it”?

There really are a lot of things that help me and writing is one of them. I am helping others to move through their loss. I offer and share what I experience, bring the tools I use and encourage other loss travelers to do the same.

Today, I want to share about confronting the fear of healing. One might assume if you have lost a loved one that automatically you are ready to heal. Not the case. As I have worked with more women, some have hurdles need to be overcome in order to start the healing process. It takes intentional work to heal. It is not easy. Just like anything you want, you need to be willing to work for it.

An athlete that has the championship on his mind is willing to feel the pain and endure the suffering to reach his final goal. It may not seem valuable when he is putting effort into the workouts, eating well, and getting rest but in the end, holding the championship trophy, kissing it and holding it high above his head makes his effort all worth it.

You are like the athlete. You are in this loss journey for the long haul. Keep your eye on the future that you will find peace, joy and happiness. While physical health is much needed in grief work, today I want talk about pain and how to overcome it. Another day I will share about the importance of physical health.

There are 3 types of pain that is feared the most.

1. Loss pain is related to the fear of losing memories of your loved if you start to take actions towards healing. Guilt may even creep in because you think you do not deserve happiness. Ask yourself this question, how can I preserve the memories of my loved one? Stop thinking about losing them but instead think about how you can keep them intact. Then take action to preserve those memories.
2. Process pain is avoiding your grief because of the unknown, not knowing how long it will be before you feel better. It is easy to stay where you are because making changes can be hard. Think about what your loved one would want you to do. They would be cheering you on and encouraging you to continue on with life. I know that I did not chose grief coaching. It chose me because of my son. I wanted to heal and was willing to let the future unfold.
3. Outcome pain is fearing the worst. Honestly, I think I have already experienced the worst by losing two children. The only way to go is up and forward. I have used vision boards to spotlight the future and the positive things I want to see and experience like helping others, learning the harmonica, being with my earthly family and donating money to charities. I chose to take away the negative emotions and see the light.