Life has a way of showing me that I am healing and doing okay. The woman who texted me that she lived in the same cull-de-sac where my daughter died shared some additional information about the woman who was responsible for Courtney’s death. My 9-month-old daughter died because of her horrible mistake.
In 2016, 25 years after Courtney died, Gayle B, the babysitter was killed by a drunk driver. As I shared this with another friend, she used the word karma, that Gayle got what she deserved. I was taken aback by her statement. Even in the beginning, I never wished ill to Gayle. I forgave Gayle. I knew that If I did not forgive her, I would be eaten alive by my own anger and hatred. I did not want to live the rest of my life out in such a horrible state of mind.
Gayle left a huge family behind; four children, 21 grandchildren and 41 great grandchildren. All of whom will miss her dearly. Gayle died the same year my mother passed away. They were the same age. My mom left grandkids and kids behind. I understood what Gayle’s family was feeling. They grieve the loss of their grandmother, who was loved and cherished.
I felt for Gayle’s family. I know what it is like to have a loved one die because of a drunk driver. My sister’s daughter was only 17 years old when she was killed. It was horrible to see what my sister and brother-in-law went through. It was a horrendous and tragic loss.
As to how the news of Gayle’s death impacted me, I did not feel that Gayle got what she deserved. I did not do a happy dance. It was a feeling of neutrality. It was more of a “humpf” reaction. And the question, “what am I supposed to do or feel with this information?”
I decided this is a sign of healing. A sign that indeed I have forgiven Gayle. A sign that I have let go and let God; let God do his healing and guide me down the path to recovery. As I continue to walk this newest grief journey, I am more confident that there will be someday, sometime in the future that I will be able to respond to my son’s decision to end his life with “humpf”. Someday, there will be no more sorrow, just memories of him and the light he was in my life. I am okay with that.
#anger #disappointment #agony #suffering #hurt #death #sadness #hopeless #loneliness #emptiness